There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers