There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
CUTE CAT‼︎
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.