Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Sharon, call the vet

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect