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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator