rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Finally a use for spoilers…
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.