Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“TGIM!” – My liver
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.