Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
![]()
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Why is everyone getting married at me
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
![]()