the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
reduce, reuse, recycle