When I pack too much for a short trip.
You Might Also Like
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.