Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*pokes sex life with a stick
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.