It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind