It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded