Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good