I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
<- sleeps well with others
Duolingo getting serious.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
This is the one
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.