Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
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some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
when there are deer in the woods
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
The big book of baby names but for safe words
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.