When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.