I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Best table by far
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.