You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
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why I oughta
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Can Happiness buy money?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.