GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us