If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
doing some research
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty