I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Happy weekend !
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable