Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color