Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.