She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Happy Star Wars day!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.