Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs![]()
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”