instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
*bites zombie*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The point of your 20s
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.