check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
You Might Also Like
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Stonehinge
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why