Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
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This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
They’re the worst 😩
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea