God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
You Might Also Like
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.