I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.