Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Somebody’s lying.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?