Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.