How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.