I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
You Might Also Like
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
A roof is a house hat.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.