My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.