@nPhelendriqal

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

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@DopeLegitBro

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@rickkondell

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

@RodLacroix

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@AllanForsyth

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

@DaveTheAlbino

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

@BaileysIrishTom

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.