Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!