Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.


Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.


Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]


I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.


“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”


Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.


I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.


What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?


I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.