Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Software Development ⛵️

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”