Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.