Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy