911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit