Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
seems like a niche market
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
He is just living hist best little life 😊