Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Comparing yourself to others
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*