Comparing yourself to others
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*cough*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
A Short Story.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”