Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Worst Native American name ever.
this has to be peak English
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.