My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning