has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon