Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
yes… yes…
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.