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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.