just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
You Might Also Like
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.