If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
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Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.