“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.