*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
listen closely
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’d rather fork than spoon.