Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
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My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream