“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in