Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My boss called in sick of me