Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me buying fruit and veg
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
what kind of cook setting is this??
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here鈥檚 your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog鈥檚 name.
Me: Gosh, you鈥檙e right. Sorry.
Cat: I鈥檓 really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Sounds about right. 馃槀馃ぃ
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Legend 馃ぃ馃ぃ
What鈥檚 the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you鈥檙e a plus one at?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I鈥檒l be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Gravestone: If you鈥檙e reading this I am dead.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me