Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Wait for it
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick